08-08-2013, 06:04 PM
Alright, I was thinking I wanted harsher criticism and then I read your comment and it hurts > . <
but helps too, so thnx.
The punctuation corrections I understand and will correct. The last three lines I thought served a purpose, I mean I had a purpose in mind while writing them. I dont understand why you find them unnecessary.
"Was in a hurry" I will admit this line feels a bit redundant, given the line before it, however, assuming I void the previous line, would you still consider it unnecessary? In writing it I had hoped to give reason for why the narrator passes by the bird. I thought that if I pointed out that the narrator was rushing, after illustrating the dead bird, that his rushing would seem futile or trivial and that he would be better off taking his time. I also thought that giving him a reason for passing the bird voids the potential for a lot of vagueness that could potentially distract from the goal of my poem.
"on the fly" This line I thought would relate the narrator back to the bird and therefor put on emphasis on his own mortality and ultimately the reader would think of their life.
"as always" The ending line was meant to be a bit ironic as the narrator is thinking that he will at all times be on the fly but of course he is just as mortal as the bird. At the same time I wanted to emphasize the permanents of the death. Idk I just felt "always" felt a bit poignant as an ending, maybe I was misguided.
I guess in short I wanted to say, slow down, enjoy life while you can, because like all things you only have so much time to do so. I thought the last last three lines contributed to achieving this message.
Not trying to be defensive here, though I probably am (you did call poem regurgitation after all T_T) but really I am feeling a bit confused. I hope you read this because I do think i'd benefit from a reply...
but helps too, so thnx.
The punctuation corrections I understand and will correct. The last three lines I thought served a purpose, I mean I had a purpose in mind while writing them. I dont understand why you find them unnecessary.
"Was in a hurry" I will admit this line feels a bit redundant, given the line before it, however, assuming I void the previous line, would you still consider it unnecessary? In writing it I had hoped to give reason for why the narrator passes by the bird. I thought that if I pointed out that the narrator was rushing, after illustrating the dead bird, that his rushing would seem futile or trivial and that he would be better off taking his time. I also thought that giving him a reason for passing the bird voids the potential for a lot of vagueness that could potentially distract from the goal of my poem.
"on the fly" This line I thought would relate the narrator back to the bird and therefor put on emphasis on his own mortality and ultimately the reader would think of their life.
"as always" The ending line was meant to be a bit ironic as the narrator is thinking that he will at all times be on the fly but of course he is just as mortal as the bird. At the same time I wanted to emphasize the permanents of the death. Idk I just felt "always" felt a bit poignant as an ending, maybe I was misguided.
I guess in short I wanted to say, slow down, enjoy life while you can, because like all things you only have so much time to do so. I thought the last last three lines contributed to achieving this message.
Not trying to be defensive here, though I probably am (you did call poem regurgitation after all T_T) but really I am feeling a bit confused. I hope you read this because I do think i'd benefit from a reply...