08-08-2013, 04:23 AM
This will be brief as I'm on the phone, but it feels like there's something workable trying to break through.
i can't quite decide whether it's seriously about a Cupid figure, or is trying to be arch and smutty, but on balance think the former.
The third stanza is odd, and elsewhere some lines are too long for the rhythm ("guidance for those that know..." could be better rendered "guidance for the knowing / who yet struggle..."), and it ends ... Nowhere. It doesn't end.
All that said, a bit of tightening up on the central idea, and some tweaks, it could be good. There are certainly some good building blocks in there.
i can't quite decide whether it's seriously about a Cupid figure, or is trying to be arch and smutty, but on balance think the former.
The third stanza is odd, and elsewhere some lines are too long for the rhythm ("guidance for those that know..." could be better rendered "guidance for the knowing / who yet struggle..."), and it ends ... Nowhere. It doesn't end.
All that said, a bit of tightening up on the central idea, and some tweaks, it could be good. There are certainly some good building blocks in there.