08-07-2013, 06:06 PM
Hey Jdguyb,
I'd make similar grammatical notes as LB did, so i'll just refer to his post on that matter. I must say, reading the lines where You've put together the end of the line and the starting of a new line (S1L3-S1L4, S2L2-S2L3) made me stumble. It might be something i personally simply do not prefer, but reading a line through to it's end feels like a "small, finished unit", and when words are entangled (like "approached cautiously") it feels a bit unnatural. Again, it might be simply something i myself dislike.
With that said, the idea to write a poem about The Black Widow is intriguing. Making an "inner" rhyme with words "close" and "force" in S4L3 really stood out for me.
"Do not come close to this evil force or you will take your final toll."
I'd make similar grammatical notes as LB did, so i'll just refer to his post on that matter. I must say, reading the lines where You've put together the end of the line and the starting of a new line (S1L3-S1L4, S2L2-S2L3) made me stumble. It might be something i personally simply do not prefer, but reading a line through to it's end feels like a "small, finished unit", and when words are entangled (like "approached cautiously") it feels a bit unnatural. Again, it might be simply something i myself dislike.
With that said, the idea to write a poem about The Black Widow is intriguing. Making an "inner" rhyme with words "close" and "force" in S4L3 really stood out for me.
"Do not come close to this evil force or you will take your final toll."