08-07-2013, 09:08 AM
(08-07-2013, 04:44 AM)jdguyb Wrote: It can sense your fear, what other's mysteries are there? Did you mean 'other'?Hi,
The black widow is not to be underestimated, beware.
It's powerful unrelenting venom coming from a pair, 'Its' or 'it's'. I suppose it can work either way. I think you can remove the comma here, and instead have it after 'venom'. But I think it depends on whether you mean "its" or "it's".
of fangs so sharp they pierce the skin, take extra care.
Convulsions and muscle contractions are the danger, Don't think you need the comma here. Perhaps move it to the next line after 'bite'
of a bite so powerful it is to be feared and approached I stumbled in this line. The rhyme felt forced
cautiously, it will attack anyone, any mortal stranger.
This animal is so deadly it shouldn't be at all encroached. Stumbled here too, and the rhyme felt forced.
It's victims aren't ready for its evil weaved web trap. 'Its'. Not sure about 'evil weaved web trap'. Seems a bit over the top
Flies and even mice don't know what there entering, 'they're'
when they enter the webs sticky dark diabolical wrap. Did you mean 'web's' or "webs'"?
Soon they will be lifeless, all hope gone, and festering.
So take extra heed when approaching this dark soul.
It not to be played with, for it is unrelenting and powerful. Did you mean 'it is not'?
Do not come close to this evil force or you will take your final toll.
The animal inside is planning its attack ever so graceful.
Great idea for a poem. There are some typos and some repetition I think you could sort out. Some of the lines say practically the same. I've left some notes for you to use or lose. JMHO of course.
-LB

