The End

[billy]

Well I'm an amateur just like you, so I'm definitely not qualified to critique. But two things I noticed are that the poem just seems sort of vague, but maybe that's just me. And another is the rhythm seems difficult in spots.

yes you are, everyone is qualified to critique. not only are they qualified, we expect it

basically it a long cliche made up of short clichés
have a read of some the pdf's in my signature,
and do an edit, use original phrases
if you've heard a phrase before, then don't use it.