08-05-2013, 11:26 AM
hi fm
at the moment it comes across as block prose. has lot's of cliche. the good poins are that it has some imagery and a theme. a suggestion would be to remove or exchange the cliche for original phrase and cut away two thirds of the piece, and use shorter lines, an example would be;
I awoke to the creaking door
and a silhouette of a stranger,
I rolled off the bed, like a granite balloon.
Crushing the carpet, i grabbed the forty four
and sent three caps to greet his head.
not great i know but it's just a quicky example
hope it helps.
at the moment it comes across as block prose. has lot's of cliche. the good poins are that it has some imagery and a theme. a suggestion would be to remove or exchange the cliche for original phrase and cut away two thirds of the piece, and use shorter lines, an example would be;
I awoke to the creaking door
and a silhouette of a stranger,
I rolled off the bed, like a granite balloon.
Crushing the carpet, i grabbed the forty four
and sent three caps to greet his head.
not great i know but it's just a quicky example
hope it helps.