A morgue's assistant Edit two!

[tectak]

Please Note. This crit is line by line at the request of jdguyb
Edit one

He enters the morgue for the first time,
not knowing what horrors he will see.Are you trying to use meter. If so, this is not successful. If not, this is stumbling. The "he/will/see" is anapest. Better to end "he'll/see".
He looks for someone to mime, This is forced past reason. I assume you mean someone to show him what to do by example. See end of stanza.
Someone to be.

He enters the morgue as a neophyte,
not knowing the horrors ahead.
He is looking for someone to make darkness light;
to instruct and advise on the dead.

....or something. Your poem. The example above, and that is all it is, has an easy rhyme scheme--ABAB--and a strict rhythm. You may not like it but as an exercise towards consistency you might like to try to repeat the form in the other stanzas... or you might not.





He knows the job description,
Cut up bodies, learn what the killing blow was. Count your emphases. This does not scan at all well
What is the encryption?Absolutely. What IS the encryption? What does this mean? Well, I will tell you. You have discovered the rapper's fool's gold. Words that end in "..ion" are manifold. You just cannot stop once you start. As for diction, its all fiction, no distinction in your mission. Make decision, risk derision, dereliction then extinction. See. it is all just too easy. Don't fall into the trap.
Well lets get to it, lets find the cause.let's and let's. repeat to soon. Punctuate so that the crits think you know what you are doing. "cause" and "was" are off-rhymes. If you cannot find a better word to rhyme with rhe first word...change the first word. Work at it before posting. There is NO shame in YOU editing your own work before posting.

He knows what his job is, defined and clear.
Dissect to dermine the cause;
Where to make the first cut is his faltering fear,
but the the knife in his hand does not pause.

No more. It is your turn

His first body.
He's is tasting deaths sweet stagnant air.He's is? death's. Check your work by READING IT...or better still, let someone else read it TO you.
The tools he is using are not shoddy,Forced rhyme again. Same rule applies. A pair of words rhyme contractually. They each have a mutual responsibility. If a word does not comply....change it!
Is this really fair?Complete nonsense contextually. What is unfair? You have given up on this too soon. Do not rush it. Take your time. Work at it.

His first candidate,Candidate is an ill-chosen word. You have now given up all poetic endeavour and are now thrashing about with unformed thoughts...and it shows.
A young man of 20.Twenty but in any event slipped english. Just saying 20 is slack. Of twenty? Twenty years old? Twenty a day?
If only he knew why he messes with blood coagulatecoagulate is a transitive verb and rarely if ever used as a noun outside medical circles. By leaving the punctuation out of these last two lines you create a non-sensical ending. Why are there so many WHAT? Young men? Blood coagulating drugs? Bodies? Who knows.
Why are there so many?

He pauses and has a sense of conscience."Sense of conscience" means nothing at all as "sense" and "conscience" are not clearly defined. Sense can mean ability to be right (he showed sense), to be aware(he sensed the change), to detect (he used his sense of smell), to make observation on logical conclusion (that makes sense). "conscience" can mean retrospective regret (pricked by conscience), to indicate guilt(it was on his conscience), to indicate fairness (in all conscience). If you want to put together two words of abstraction you need to put them in a tight container otherwise they will drift apart. All abstractions do this if not bound by the ropes of context.
He cant go through with it.can't or cannot but not cant which is hypocritical and sanctimonious talk or the jargon of particular group or body. Check these things before posting. You will enjoy the process and you will learn from it. As always...read more poetry.

Something doesn't make sense.
He goes home and has a fit.Collapsed like a soggy souffle. Thoroughly pointless point.

You are an innovative thinker with a short attention span. You need to spend as much time polishing your paintwork as you do in slapping it on in the first place. The grammar, punctuation etc. irritates me but it is unfair crit at this stage. Read as much poetry as you can then give this one another coat of looking at.
Very Best,
tectak




He enters the morgue for the first time,
not knowing what horrors he will see.
He looks for something to mime,
Something to be.

He knows the job description,
Cut up bodies, learn what the killing blow was.
What is the encryption?
Well lets get to it, lets break out the saws.

His first body.
He's never tasted deaths sweet stagnant air.
The tools he uses are not shoddy,
Is this really fair?

His first candidate,
A young man of 20.
If only he knew why he messes with blood coagulate
Something doesn't seem right.

He pauses and has a sense of conscience.
He cant go through with it.
Something doesn't make sense.
He walks out and goes home to have a fit.



this is my first post on the mild critique board. Please honest feedback. I don't know If I'm ready for this level of poetry. Feel free to move It to the novice forum if you see fit