03-12-2010, 11:33 AM
(03-12-2010, 09:53 AM)jdelacroix Wrote: I made the revisions. This one was the hardest to revise. Other than the language due to the fact that this type of experience is culturally embedded. So I changed the title to "Ligawan" which is a word for traditional courtly love in the Philippines.way to go JD.
i think we can be too picky at times. and i don't want to be. any poem, even great ones can be nibbled at. for me i think you did a great job of an edit. it reads much better for me. i know it sounds silly but taking out two of the as's makes a difference.
if i had one definite comment it would be that you have a tendency to let your sentences consume the stanzas. breaking them down into two or three smaller sentences within the stanza for me gives more body to a poem. anyway, well done on the edit.
