08-03-2013, 01:27 AM
(08-01-2013, 10:52 PM)jdguyb Wrote: He enters the morgue for the first time, I don't think you need a comma there. It might be a trivial thing, but it catches when reading it.
not knowing what horrors he will see.
He looks for something to mime,I agree with the above, the word 'mime' doesn't quite fit the theme. One of them fancy online rhyming dictionaries will probably find you something better
Something to be.
He knows the job description,
Cut up bodies, learn what the killing blow was.
What is the encryption?
Well lets get to it, lets break out the saws.
His first body.
He's never tasted deaths sweet stagnant air.Apostrophe in 'death's'
The tools he uses are not shoddy,Shoddy has the same effect as 'mime' here for me. It doesn't quite fit the tone of the piece
Is this really fair?
His first candidate,
A young man of 20.
If only he knew why he messes with blood coagulate Now 'coagulate' is a GREAT word to follow after 'candidate', I am totally in to that!
Something doesn't seem right.
He pauses and has a sense of conscience.
He cant go through with it.
Something doesn't make sense.
He walks out and goes home to have a fit. Aw shucks, you didn't have to give him a conscience at the end! Heh. the darker side of me thinks you could do without the reasoning the last stanza offers all together. Finish it on an a more open feeling shown within the penultimate stanza.
I really like the darker explorations within this piece. There are some small issues with the rhyming words, but once these are addressed you'll be really onto something with this. I really hope you choose to continue with it, it has real potential!
Rubi