The Risen Suicide

[billy]

i looked at the first showing and it seems i never left feedback so i'll leave it here.

This is a long one jack. I've had a few reads already so I'll plod on. One thing I noticed was the use of because in the 1st stanza. Words like because should be pondered over for long long periods of time before being used . I'm not sure it's needed in this instance.
in a few places it felt forced so it could fit the meter and the meter seemed okay apart from the one spot. apart from a few forced lines it read well. i enjoyed the grieving sadness of the piece and more so because the priest had a story. i suppose the daughter did as well.

i think it needs some spit and polish but it's a great effort.

The falseness of her Christian grave will haunt
me in Your holy court. My soul was blind. i like the enjambment of this and the above line i'd use a comma and make the 2nd line one complete statement. but i'm not to good at punctuation so think about it
A daughter does this to a man, and I
was weak, preacher or not, a lost parent
in fields of sadness he could not attack, i'd use a period here and start the next line at [could not] and as filler [, he dare not....] or some thing else
because he could not grasp the martyred mind
inside his daughter's head. The truth is nought;
the grave is all the truth she knew and loved. [is] all or [was] all good solid opening stanza.

I found her in the barn and wasn't shocked.
With tender hand I plucked a knife from one the sentence run on (after one) gives an undue pause
tight fist, then washed her neck with warm water.
I knew her destiny was Hell. I tried
to smuggle her elsewhere. A savage cross
of kindling, thrust in earth with Arthur's zeal,
and her beneath, reserved for Judgement Day
despite that fucking sin (see what I am? [fucking] seems out of place
A foul-mouthed cur of wholly sodden mind).
I'm glad her mother's dead. You spared her this again the enjambment gives an unwarranted pause between this and the next line.
torment, at least. I've earned her pain and more.
What did I think would happen when I laid
my daughter in that grave, her mattress mud? this is a great image
That cross, that evil cross, so barbarous
and crude, erected on a suicide!

The roods of old were Heaven's doorknobs compared i'd suggest [rood] and [doorknob] and change [were] to [was]
to those sticks nailed by my tired hands. i'm still getting used to the extra half foot and the missing half foot being allowed. blank verse (just saying i spotted it ) (did you do it on purpose or by luck )
I'd dressed her sweetly in her white night clothes.
Why she'd done this was no secret to me feels wordy/forced to fit the meter
or You. The joy was absent from her eyes,
and even loving grace wasn't enough;
my flock had tried, but man can't force a heart.
I beg You for forgiveness when studying is there an extra half foot?.
my case. I did not mean to mock Your ways.
That grave I made was vain and foolish hope.

She rose from it like lava spurting through is this fact? i think it's the [spurting ]which throws me
brimstone, her eyes static and mouth with worms
bedewed. I screamed then wept in martyred tones. 2nd use of martyred, which stands out a lot because it's a less than common word
I could not save the soul she killed herself.

Now each night she pelts my windows with mud, the meter feels wonky but i'm not sure how to fix it. perhaps [Each night she pelts my windows with her mud,]
walking blind across the woods, not ghost or corpse the extra half foot
but dumb machine, symbol of my crimes, the less half foot, (which is okay, (i think) meter-wise)
reminder of hypocrisy. Her eyes
are yoke-less eggs, her skin a rotting steak.
She never speaks, but serves the wrath of You.