07-30-2013, 11:39 AM
hi ksd
what can be wrong with a poem pretty much is wrong with this one.
it's overly wordy, has a lot of cliche. the rhymes internal and external need work, as does the meter. it feels like the poetry has been squeezed through a thin hole. it needs some original images. some original depth.
the very first two words are cliche, the end rhyme feels forced to suit the internal rhyme instead of feeling natural.
HeyI Yes you! Don't run,
be glad, you're not some anti-sceptic nun
i understand the above isn't what you're aiming for it's just an example
one you get something original you can go to town editing to some kind of perfection.
what can be wrong with a poem pretty much is wrong with this one.
it's overly wordy, has a lot of cliche. the rhymes internal and external need work, as does the meter. it feels like the poetry has been squeezed through a thin hole. it needs some original images. some original depth.
the very first two words are cliche, the end rhyme feels forced to suit the internal rhyme instead of feeling natural.
HeyI Yes you! Don't run,
be glad, you're not some anti-sceptic nun
i understand the above isn't what you're aiming for it's just an example
one you get something original you can go to town editing to some kind of perfection.
(07-30-2013, 11:18 AM)KSD Wrote: Walk...don't run, this feeling will soon be undone.
Through the haze of fear, the warmth soon disappears.
Nothing left but the quiet, your loudest screams cannot deny it.
Locked in your own box of death, deceased thoughts, never to express.
Those words that once inspired? Now bring only disease and distress.
Dreams crash and burn, lifeless petals among the stems.
Feelings locked in an urn, roots now dried and condemned.
Tomorrow the Sun shall rise, but like Dark you despise.
The cold winds of hate, breath exhales the bitter taste.
In days past you had an army, your presence was cheered.
But now not a soul in the background...all alone as you feared.