Standing Caravan
#2
(07-29-2013, 09:12 PM)dusboss Wrote:  Hollow and quiet this road became, A promising start...
the higher force took its leg off the pedal What higher force? God? It might be better to identify the entity.
forgeting to take it back. Did you mean, "forgetting to put it back"?
Now the standing caravan is full of children Did the children magically appear?
who are waiting to be out and without restriction, I think this could be reworded.
to see all of the colours that nature draws. this sentence is a little awkward--"that nature draws" is a little peculiar. I would keep it concise and say "To see all of nature's [insert adjective] colours."
As lively as they might appear punctuation perhaps?
caravan kids keep on failing
Every action is shattered
leaving no chance to succeed... These last three lines do not make sense to me.
I see an impeccable setting for a great poem. You just need to edit the parts that don't really make sense.
I'll be there in a minute.
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Messages In This Thread
Standing Caravan - by dusboss - 07-29-2013, 09:12 PM
RE: Standing Caravan - by newsclippings - 07-29-2013, 09:32 PM
RE: Standing Caravan - by dusboss - 07-30-2013, 03:43 PM
RE: Standing Caravan - by jdguyb - 07-30-2013, 03:10 AM



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