Smoking
#4
(07-27-2013, 02:26 AM)jdguyb Wrote:  I smoke the last cigarette
It fills me with satisfaction
At least I don't have terrets
My lungs are filled with emaciation

Maybe I should quit smoking
It would be healthier wouldn't it?
At least im not toking
And not blazing a bit

Jesus is the answer
Why does he force me to smoke
Like I'm a leper
With no hope

Maybe god will save me
probably not
He wants me to smoking the nicotine tree
But not pot

So I smoke my life away
And there is no stopping it
I look at my ash tray
and find it a despairing pit
I don't believe anyone forces you to smoke especially Jesus. The line does not make sense. The line following "Maybe god will save me" further's the depth of the piece not making sense because, God is associated with Jesus. I think there is a good bit of work to do here.
just a suggestion, maybe rewriting some of the piece would do good,
for example,

I smoke the last cigarette
It fills me with satisfaction

could be alternatively written as

Smoke from the last cigarette fills me with satisfaction
I once told this blond chick to screw in a light bulb..

She got naked and asked "how do I get in it?"
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Messages In This Thread
Smoking - by jdguyb - 07-27-2013, 02:26 AM
RE: Smoking - by rowens - 07-27-2013, 02:35 AM
RE: Smoking - by tectak - 07-27-2013, 05:30 AM
RE: Smoking - by R.C. KITCHENS - 07-27-2013, 06:36 AM
RE: Smoking - by jdguyb - 07-27-2013, 07:09 AM
RE: Smoking - by tectak - 07-27-2013, 03:59 PM
RE: Smoking - by billy - 07-29-2013, 04:15 PM
RE: Smoking - by Ghassan - 07-27-2013, 09:54 PM
RE: Smoking - by Bunx - 07-28-2013, 04:06 AM



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