07-24-2013, 06:14 PM
I am glad this was not in the serious section, as I would find it harder even than usual to helpfully critique. Lucky you for going to such a nice place! You paint a good sea-side holiday picture, and have agreat facility for differing speeds:
''Toe-dipping, finger-slipping
between the suns’ slit sands.''
immediately followed by a very slow line.
I am not sure about the ending , for two reasons. First, it begins with 'I' --and one can take the rest as 'I am an important chap/pess' With the exception of oneself, one feels that 'I' is best minimised in poetry. But what can it mean? If the writer is male ( I don't know) doesn't it just mean 'I am a gigolo'?
I enjoyed, a little enviously.
''Toe-dipping, finger-slipping
between the suns’ slit sands.''
immediately followed by a very slow line.
I am not sure about the ending , for two reasons. First, it begins with 'I' --and one can take the rest as 'I am an important chap/pess' With the exception of oneself, one feels that 'I' is best minimised in poetry. But what can it mean? If the writer is male ( I don't know) doesn't it just mean 'I am a gigolo'?
I enjoyed, a little enviously.