What will come of you (edit 2)

[milo]

what a difference. a great edit. there's still a little work you could do but i think you're doing bloody great so far. i love the within and without and how they play off each other.

edit 2

Come,

Stare deep into the mirror
Watch the face glow
pupils pop and dance within
the reflection.

If you stare without
closing your eyes to blink this is what a stare is which makes the line redundant, without above would still be a great counter to within, so i'd leave that where it is.
you will notice that the face
blurs, the cheeks darken.
Eyes, grow weary and
turn red in agony
above the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your flesh
staring back at you



edit 1

Staring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop and dance within
the reflective vessel.

If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring back at you


original

Starring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop behind the skin
and dance within the reflective
vessel.

If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary,
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring right back at you

Your right, "stare" is redundant. Good catch.

maybe:

Stare. Don't close your eyes,
don't blink until fatigue blurs
your face, darkens your cheeks,

etc, etc, etc