What will come of you (edit 2)

[R.C. KITCHENS]

hi R.C.

(off topic)isn't there a film with the same name
look out for cliche. staring deeply, on a first line could scare potential readers away. leave out any small words (baggage) such as [the] [and] and [just] i made some words bold so you could think about if they're worth removing.

not sure vessel is a good word to use though i understand why you use it. if possible use words without ing (unless they're really needed?)
stare deeply....
watch the face...

at present we're being told what's happening, show us; use a bit of simile or metaphor.

what is great is that you're editing, it can be a slog but it does get easier if you stick with it,

great effort.

edit 1

Staring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop and dance within
the reflective vessel.

If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring back at you


original

Starring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop behind the skin
and dance within the reflective
vessel.

If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary,
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring right back at you

Your right Billy, I thought I had a good title. I researched it and there is a movie by the name. I changed the title and cut "vessel" from it. I see the words you highlighted that I could cut also. I learn new tricks daily here and appreciate the help and thoughtful critique. Right now, I got to think about some metaphors to work it out a bit, but I did take Milo's suggestion and make it all second person.

edit 1

Staring deeply into a mirror
watching the face as it glows,
the pupils pop and dance within
the reflective vessel.

If you stare long enough without
closing your eyes to blink
you will notice that the face begins
to blur, the cheeks darken.
Eyes that have grown weary
turn red in agony and just above
the scalp, there it is,
The shadow of your reflection
staring back at you

I would consider switching a lot of the passive voice for active voice. In addition, as it becomes second person in S2, why not just start second person. A couple examples of these 2 pieces of advice:

"Stare into the mirror"
"watch the face glow"
"you will notice the face blur"
"eyes grow weary"

etc.

Thanks for posting

Milo, appreciate the feedback and suggestions, I did go back and edit it all to second person and made it more active. I see after doing so, it reads better.