Love the honest feedback

[Volaticus]

Apart of. Apart from.
Like snowflakes - appearing the same, but none identical. Together, transforms wonder; alone, melts then evaporates.
STAB to the self we all possess, we, in it's entirety, cannot control.
Act as the witness and unveil truth. Act without self, and unveil peace.
self is trickery that fuels fools.

Hi Elyse,
It seems you have a good idea behind this poem, and I like that.
I wish you'd given the poem a title.
Maybe you could break up your lines some; I don't think it reads so well the way it is now. It's somewhat confusing.
L3 needs some work, I think. It reads rather awkward.
With some work, I think this could be a quite decent poem.
All is of course JMHO.
Keep writing.
Best, LB