it feels very angry, i thinks it's a good poem that needs expanding on if only by a small amount. make the last stanza do a bit more work than adding a a piano player to the mix. (i'm presuming sam is from the maltese falcon 
) no major nits as far as i can see.
thanks for the read.
i forgot to add, good use of nil punctuation, all to often poets use caps i like that you didn't.
you have decent meter in the 1st two stanza then it goes awry
) no major nits as far as i can see. thanks for the read.
(07-08-2013, 07:01 AM)hardon Wrote:
it's good to be knee-deep
in concentration's wreckage
fishing in our bobbleheads
fluttering like captive birds i like the metaphore but i'm not sure it works that well with the statement or metaphor above it.i think the called [mixed metaphors]
empty nights and bottles turn
cold shoulders into cushions
thru a muddy ocean haze the [thru] doesn't work that well for me, considering it's the only word of it's kind in the poem
in so many fucked up ways
there's something plastic surgery
about the way she leans on me
deer eyes and a wedding ring
reflection's such a dirty thing i like this stanza a lot, make me think about what you see in her eyes?
I hear it crack under my feet
and I'm stuck to the ice
forget the numbers on the tab
give me another feeling, Sam
i forgot to add, good use of nil punctuation, all to often poets use caps i like that you didn't.
you have decent meter in the 1st two stanza then it goes awry