07-07-2013, 10:22 PM
Had another look through and think this is delivering well on several levels.
the one line I did feel was perhaps letting you down is: Noise comes from mocking birds as they mock
other's. this feels alittle flat and lacking, so although your intent to convey an image of the two faced and deceptions of others around the narrator (i think) the line is not quite delivering for me and needs the introduction of some poetic devise or other to make it bounce or sing to read aloud. (The main guily party is the word others at the end) each others rounds it out but will loose meaning. Again just my thoughts.
Other than this some good editing done.
AJ.
the one line I did feel was perhaps letting you down is: Noise comes from mocking birds as they mock
other's. this feels alittle flat and lacking, so although your intent to convey an image of the two faced and deceptions of others around the narrator (i think) the line is not quite delivering for me and needs the introduction of some poetic devise or other to make it bounce or sing to read aloud. (The main guily party is the word others at the end) each others rounds it out but will loose meaning. Again just my thoughts.
Other than this some good editing done.
AJ.