What I Am, Right Now

[R.C. KITCHENS]

I know it's super long, but give it a chance!
I don't really ever write poems, I like to write songs, though.
You might even say this isn't really a poem.. There's like no structure to it really, hah... I'm not exactly sure what to call it in that case. But hey, it is what it is... o.0
It describes my hell. Tell me what it means to you =)
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Today...
What even is a "today"?
Today could be what has been done... if it's time for bed.
Today could be things to do... if today is still young.
Today I long for solitude, so I can simply be what I am right now.
I don't know how this works? why not just simply state that you feel alone?
As I sit here, my mind is drawn like a magnet to a question I've never had a harder time answering.a magnet cant be drawn to a question. You could fis this line to read better. "I sit here, my mind is drawn like a magnet to piece of steel" also is it a question if you dont have a hard time answering it?
What am I right now?
Mostly myself, I think....you should describe yourself more than just "mostly myself" we don't get it because we cant envision who you are. It would do you some good to try and envision it in words. that could be good poetry.

But right now, my existence is accompanied by a dimension whose description is exasperatingly elaborate and seemingly impossible to explain.if it is so elaborate and you know it is, then you could explain it.
Its nature is infectiously peculiar..
It is a nature of blissful horror..
A nature quite unnatural, as it comes to be....

Right now I am something I can't accurately depict through words, yet I continue to try. Why...?now the "mostly myself" line makes more sense.
It sits here in my mind like a heated coal, insistently burning a demand to be expressed...what sits here?
I can envision it in my mind quite easily, like the nostalgia a memory carries.
It's more than a vision, though. And no words can begin to construe its embodiment with justice.

It is an "idea-feeling", if you will....
A concept with vibe;
A notion with mood;
A thought with character....


This thing that is a part of me is not the essence of me. It's a completely separate aspect of something which I, myself, have given life.
A Frankenstein of sorts, you could say....
As it lies dormant, its influence is null....
However, entertain the wrong notion and you've violently jolted the monster to life armed with an influence vastly potent.

you have achieved thoughts so vague that I cant really understand what your trying to say.
It is as if....
It's as if my being forms itself an open wound. Perhaps out of pure fear. Perhaps it was manipulation.
This mentally self-inflicted laceration acts as an open door to my 'vulnerablized' soul.
Quicker than reason could be formed, this "outside force" seeps through to the inside, via a pathway I created myself.
As it occupies a space alongside of me, I begin to feel a debilitating grip slowly tighten the circumference of my mind.
This distress leads to increasing difficultly in my ability to think rationally or put up any resistance.
Weakened, I can't help but tease myself with the idea of "Oh, how easy it would be for me.. to just give in. So much easier...
So just let it posses you..."
I have yet to get an attachment to what you mean to say.
With that, the deception can begin to fully ensue....

Suddenly, the torment is no longer recognized.
An eerie, yet intoxicating, sense of ease ripples through my thoughts so as to distract any desire to resist.
I sigh in complete relief as my eyes dilate. There no longer exists any visible blue iris, only black pupils in empty eyes.


So now, unbeknownst to a new, now-compromised me, the very fabric of my reality is gradually warped to a will not of my own.
My essence, the 'pure' portion of me, is half-evaporated the way a vapor or mist slowly vanishes into the air.
And the remainder dissolved into this intangible form of evil.
I am obliviously conducted through distorted perception.
Blind to my own manipulation, two entities steadily blur into one.


The 'real' me can't decide how I feel about this whole thing.
I love it. I hate it.
I love to hate it, and I hate to love it.



The result is....
what I am, right now.

I agree with Leanne, This reads like a personal essay. I cant tell you what it means to me because it is very vague and hard to fully relate too. If it is your personal hell, you would have the emotion to convey what exactly that hell is. But, Maybe not being able to put it in words is a form of personal hell. I got from the first few lines that you wanted solitude so that you could be what you are right now. I take that as meaning that you want to actually be alone as you are in your heart or mind. I couldn't figure out much more than that. I think if you take some time and just write on paper "my thoughts are like".. and use imagery to describe your thoughts, feelings, and what your hell is, that you will be able to write poetry better than what you have done so far. You can do it if you try, What I really take home is that you want to write something meaningful to describe what you feel but, you cant find the words to do so. I tried to critique the piece but it was very difficult. Welcome to the forum, read some poetry and with time you will be able to describe that hell just as it is full of emotion and imagery.