06-29-2013, 06:49 PM
Hi there -- I can't do a line-by-line on this piece as it's just not successful as a poem. That's not to say it doesn't have poetic elements, but right now it's closer to a personal essay than anything else. To turn this into a poem, you should probably take the words that are essential to convey meaning and discard the rest -- poetry is the essence of communication, not all the fat and fluff. Only you can really decide which words are the essential ones, though. Were it my poem, I'd start by stripping out the cliches, e.g. "today is still young", "drawn like a magnet". If you've heard it before, or something very similar, it's really best to get rid of it. Then take out the 'bleeding obvious', like "black pupils".
There's nothing wrong with experimenting in form and structure. Sometimes fusing forms works, sometimes not. To my mind, this really doesn't.
There's nothing wrong with experimenting in form and structure. Sometimes fusing forms works, sometimes not. To my mind, this really doesn't.
It could be worse