06-20-2013, 03:09 PM
okay, i laughed at the end so it was worth the read.
does it constitute poetry, i suppose so, though personally i think it's struggling to. i do like how you move from mum's day to making it about you (the baby) i have no suggestions as to how to make it better poetry. you could do something with the layout of the thing though separate some of the lines. it's fun but it's also pure narration
does it constitute poetry, i suppose so, though personally i think it's struggling to. i do like how you move from mum's day to making it about you (the baby) i have no suggestions as to how to make it better poetry. you could do something with the layout of the thing though separate some of the lines. it's fun but it's also pure narration
(06-15-2013, 02:51 AM)NikkiRHCOG Wrote: First poem written after a long hiatus... here we go... all critiques welcome... really need help getting back in the game.
Can I give mummy her present?
Please daddy.
Can I give mummy her present?
There she is!
Can I, can I, can I?
Daddy help me it’s big.
HAPPY MUMMY’S DAY.
Mummy why’s my buggy in here?
But it’s mine.
I’m not too old,
and I can stand on it, watch.
Mummy watch.
Mummy!
See I’m standing.
Bet I can do it without holding on.
I won’t fall.
Mummy my arm hurts really bad.