Vodka Drunk

[Brownlie]

Shot, shot, shot
"I love you guys"
Drink, drank, drunk
Fall in love tonight
Naked bodies press
Whispered "you were my first"
You're gone
It's so dark
I'm so cold
Makeup running
Faded smile
Where's my shirt
I'm crying
Wiped tears
Shot, shot, shot
Smashed bottle
I'm bleeding
and screaming
"Why don't you love me?"
You're so scared
I'm falling
I need help
You're gone

Shot, shot, shot
"I love you"

The terse lines aren't working. Try using a meter or rhyme scheme maybe. I think when it comes to poetry you have to consider sound and sense. The sense, what your saying here, really isn't anything unique and the sound is not like a song. Some may claim that sense matters more than sound but I'm not so sure. Do our favorite songs just sound good or do we care about the lyrics? Note that not all poems are lyrical.