03-09-2010, 07:51 AM
Thanks for the poem, LB. 
Just a few thoughts:
The way I'm interpreting this is that it's about a breakup (don't know if that's really the case). But since it's entitled "Last Words", I thought it woul end with some kind of bitter remark, or a 'sayonara'. Well, not necessarily any of those things (a bit cliche, right?) but something that would give the poem more of an arc in its tone, because as it is you ended the poem pretty much in the same place you started: there was no unfolding revelation... so even if it was interesting, it became monotonal. Even if it's just your thoughts rambling, try to make a story out of it, with a beginning point, a middle point, and an end idea.
Use imagery to illustrate your thoughts and feelings. From what I can gather, the speaker in the poem is upset, and at the beginning says it's just natural that she should care, but by the end she seems to be saying that she shouldn't really be upset about anything (I don't know what's the issue). There's an interesting disjoint there that you could explore, if you're willing to be a bit more patient in expressing yourself to the reader so they can understand exactly where you're coming from.
Just a few thoughts:The way I'm interpreting this is that it's about a breakup (don't know if that's really the case). But since it's entitled "Last Words", I thought it woul end with some kind of bitter remark, or a 'sayonara'. Well, not necessarily any of those things (a bit cliche, right?) but something that would give the poem more of an arc in its tone, because as it is you ended the poem pretty much in the same place you started: there was no unfolding revelation... so even if it was interesting, it became monotonal. Even if it's just your thoughts rambling, try to make a story out of it, with a beginning point, a middle point, and an end idea.
Use imagery to illustrate your thoughts and feelings. From what I can gather, the speaker in the poem is upset, and at the beginning says it's just natural that she should care, but by the end she seems to be saying that she shouldn't really be upset about anything (I don't know what's the issue). There's an interesting disjoint there that you could explore, if you're willing to be a bit more patient in expressing yourself to the reader so they can understand exactly where you're coming from.
(03-09-2010, 06:04 AM)Loveblind Wrote: I can't imagineAs always, you can cherry-pick this critique and just listen to what you find helpful.
why you would
think
that I do not care "I don't care"
because I
smile
or didn't let the you switched to past tense here... keep your tenses consistent
misery in my heart
show on
my face
doesn't mean
I don't care there's an idea disconnect between this and the next line... maybe these two lines actualy belong in the previous stanza
see I`m
sick
of people coming up to me
asking what's the issue try to rephrase this
when
I don't even
know
what's the issueand this
but, I guess when
two people go from
two
to
one
it eventually causes using "eventually" makes it sound a bit like prose
conflict
or
maybe not
Now I`m confused-
wait, I`m actually"actually" also sounds pros... you can do without it
annoyed
and now we
have a grudge
planted in our
hearts for no
reason
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?