Agenda
#5
(06-10-2013, 06:09 AM)heisenborg Wrote:  Monsanto gloats while they shove down our throats
Food that by law they're not required to research
This ear of corn is stillborn
So grab your signs and T-shirts

The government's muddied
In this painful hour by corporate power
The population over-studied,
the family farm gutted and bloodied
Food safety's not the public's business
Go on, try to win this

Try to put a stop to the massive agenda
The government can't legally break, so they will bend ya
Poisoning you, keeping you dumb, passive and ignorant
The truth hurts and there's much more than you're picturin

Major media news only wears one pair of shoes
If you can't wear it, then you're a terrorist
American freedom was something to be proud of
Now it's a phrase meant to rile people up

Get them crazy, violent, in need of control
Cause they're coming for your guns, your kids and your gold!
Listen, watch the news, cause it's the only source
Of real information from a terrifying force.
The content is interesting, but this appears to me to be more of a rant.
I will pass on a criticism given to some of my poems, as I think it applies here; don’t tell me, show me. Your rant/poem does more telling than showing.
Example; "The government can't legally break, so they will bend ya
Poisoning you, keeping you dumb, passive and ignorant"

How are they poisoning us, keeping us dumb, passive and ignorant? I am not saying they aren't, but it is too easy to just say they are. That is a purpose of poetry, to explain things/ideas using different unique metaphors and examples which general prose does not.

“Major media news only wears one pair of shoes
If you can't wear it, then you're a terrorist”

I am aware of many major media outlets with many different opinions (shoes), so again please show how they all wear the same shoes and what type of shoes they are. And how or who they've deemed terrorists, don’t just tell me. To compel your audience you must give examples.
Then...in the next stanza you tell the reader "Listen, watch the news, cause it's the only source
Of real information from a terrifying force."
Does this contradict your last stanza? You criticized the media, now you want me to listen and watch it? Make this more clear as media and news can be different, but I am not sure this was your intent. Or do you mean become the media in order to control media?

And for fodder
"The government is us; we are the government, you and I. " -Theodore Roosevelt, 1902

I have a hard time distinguishing the discreet government your writting about (if you are writing about the government of the United States) whom bends its people, as the US is run by its people. So are we bending ourselves? And who are the people apart from this government being bent? I would describe this in more detail as well, as it is easy to critisce without giving solutions. I hope you find my solutions to your poem/rant’s critiques as fair evaluation.
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Messages In This Thread
Agenda - by heisenborg - 06-10-2013, 06:09 AM
RE: Agenda - by milo - 06-10-2013, 06:13 AM
RE: Agenda - by heisenborg - 06-10-2013, 06:44 AM
RE: Agenda - by chamilto - 06-10-2013, 02:53 PM
RE: Agenda - by YaMarVa - 06-11-2013, 03:21 AM



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