06-07-2013, 02:39 PM
This is my first time giving feedback but...
the focus of the poem is really not bad. This "exotic angel" actually seems like an interesting character. Develop more on her personality. Why is she a bad muslim? What is so charming about her besides her hair and dark skin?
The other main issues are redundancy and form. Many things are repeated. You mention her hair six times. Try not to use the same words over again. If you have to, use a thesaurus even! Ha.
There is no form at all to this poem. Try reading it aloud to yourself and listen for phrases that sound awkward. Right now it is more like a long email than a poem.
the focus of the poem is really not bad. This "exotic angel" actually seems like an interesting character. Develop more on her personality. Why is she a bad muslim? What is so charming about her besides her hair and dark skin?
The other main issues are redundancy and form. Many things are repeated. You mention her hair six times. Try not to use the same words over again. If you have to, use a thesaurus even! Ha.
There is no form at all to this poem. Try reading it aloud to yourself and listen for phrases that sound awkward. Right now it is more like a long email than a poem.