06-07-2013, 04:31 AM
RE the new version:
You should still put some form of full stop or something on the end of your last line. Instead of a full stop on the end of intent, I'd try a hyphen - I don't like sentences that start with only. They don't often work.
What I liked about the original was 'where it is broken.' You mentioned it is similar to a piston engine - try extending the 'mechanical bits and pieces' into the last line, relate it back to being an engine - that shows where it is broken.
You should still put some form of full stop or something on the end of your last line. Instead of a full stop on the end of intent, I'd try a hyphen - I don't like sentences that start with only. They don't often work.
What I liked about the original was 'where it is broken.' You mentioned it is similar to a piston engine - try extending the 'mechanical bits and pieces' into the last line, relate it back to being an engine - that shows where it is broken.
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)