Black diamond

[milo]

Whether I close my eyes, or vice versa
Whether sun rises or blasts into damnation

Draw her
God's beauty is always in a form of a creation

If the swan's song has been sung
And all the rains a moment ago - stopped

Paint her
Guitar's chord A has the right to opt

Softness of her lips;
easiness of her smiles;
those make me wish - to rise

Blossomed angelic white narcissus;
watches over the deed

Save us
I will till hell freezes over intercede
for the lost souls begging for a moment - of her
and the light that shines throug' the eye's
of hers.

whether I close my eyes or vice vera means whether I close my eyes or my eyes close me which is pretty much nonsense.

"blasts into damnation" also means nothing to me. What happens if the sun blasts into damantion, it explodes?
I would skip "a" before creation.
"and all the rains . . ." is grammatically incorrect in an obfuscatory fashion
There is a weird inversion in "I will till . . ."
lights shining through the eyes is cliche even if you misspell "through"


overall it feels very rough still, it could use some polish with a strong ear toward grammar, logic and sound but I feel like the bones of a pretty good poem are here.

thanks for posting.

milo