The Eclipse of West Bumblefuck

[James]

Thanks for letting me know, I hope I made it a bit easier on the read now.

It's definitely better with the punctuation, but I still think it's a bit off. If you want, I can make some suggestions.

I'd love to here some

I quite like it - and although the punctuation I'm sure improved it (I never saw the original) but you could have an experiment with questions, hyphens, etc. My favourite part is the last line, I think it is very good. I had a bit of a sigh at the 'blood stains' comment - it's too creepy, and it doesn't add anything. I liked the character of the speaker before, and then - uh oh, blood stains. It gets a bit psycho. Apart from that, good start

Hm I'll see what I could change the whole blood stains thing, and wow really xD the speaker was actually meant to be perfectly sane, and more on the positive side (Well trying to be positive). Thanks for letting me know that you liked it