06-02-2013, 05:38 AM
Thanks Catcherin! I've already made the corrections you suggested. I couldn't find how to improve one part, sorry. Thank you for your feedback 
Thank you for your suggestions, UnicornRainbowCake. I didn't do much but I think I have gotten rid of Yoda in there hahaha. I didn't know how to fix the stanzas, sorry. Let me know what you think of it now
Below the skin: Flesh.
Below the flesh: What I am.
But what am I?
Bones, muscles, blood;
Veins, joints, cells.
Thoughts, hopes and dreams.
Four micrograms of dreams,
Still an overdose, it seems.
Gotta keep on with my dreams.
That is one place where my love beams.
And that is what I am too:
Dreams of love, about me and you.
Sometimes they make me blue.
Blues is what I am, that’s true.
Fear crawling in my depths,
Triggers the sorrow… will I pay my debts?
My ancient fathers gave me a new tomorrow.
My identity confirmed, too, by my regrets.
And don’t mess with my hopes,
Can’t you see they’ve torn off their ropes?
In my hopes, my faith chokes.
Revolting guts: what it provokes.
Impatiently patient, I come from the ancients.
Like them too, as the smoke of the incense,
The day will come when my breathing ceases;
When I, as a “whole”, will be gone
And I’m left just to pieces,
I will stop being a physical presence
And I will fade away
...What remains will be my essence.
Thank you for your suggestions, UnicornRainbowCake. I didn't do much but I think I have gotten rid of Yoda in there hahaha. I didn't know how to fix the stanzas, sorry. Let me know what you think of it now
Below the skin: Flesh.
Below the flesh: What I am.
But what am I?
Bones, muscles, blood;
Veins, joints, cells.
Thoughts, hopes and dreams.
Four micrograms of dreams,
Still an overdose, it seems.
Gotta keep on with my dreams.
That is one place where my love beams.
And that is what I am too:
Dreams of love, about me and you.
Sometimes they make me blue.
Blues is what I am, that’s true.
Fear crawling in my depths,
Triggers the sorrow… will I pay my debts?
My ancient fathers gave me a new tomorrow.
My identity confirmed, too, by my regrets.
And don’t mess with my hopes,
Can’t you see they’ve torn off their ropes?
In my hopes, my faith chokes.
Revolting guts: what it provokes.
Impatiently patient, I come from the ancients.
Like them too, as the smoke of the incense,
The day will come when my breathing ceases;
When I, as a “whole”, will be gone
And I’m left just to pieces,
I will stop being a physical presence
And I will fade away
...What remains will be my essence.