Static Electricity

[Volaticus]

Hi again,

First I would like to apologize for my own lack of concrete detail, I should have been more specific in my critique. I was pressed for time, and I should have just waited until I could be more thorough, but I was happy to see you posting in serious, and I wanted to offer what I could, off the cuff. I know that you have no use for my excuses, so I might as well get down to the business at hand:

In the first stanza your metaphor doesn't really work both ways, because there is no scent commonly associated with the firefly. I would suggest just using them as a simile for the lit ends of cigarettes/cherries, but then you want to use the buzzing detail as well. Is there perhaps another detail about fireflies that may apply? Maybe trails of light, sparks, etc.. Now let's talk a bit about the buzzing: The faint buzz of a fly doesn't really resonate within anyone, in fact, I have spent a lot of time within close proximity to fireflies, and I have never even heard their buzz. Something like "we all enjoyed the Vibrations of their faint buzzing" would be more solid, and you could even try to work something in about wings (getting high). The problem remains though, it's bit unbelievable that anyone would actually hear them, especially over music, and some people may relate the buzzing to the music instead of what you are intending them to. You could perhaps invoke a swarm, or try something along the lines of feeling a faint, buzzing contact when their wing brush against us. Don't rush it, you'll find a way to improve it, I'm sure. It is actually a nice idea, one which I actually find inspiring. I love a good metaphor.

The main problem with the next strophe is that clouds don't have mouths. You can be enveloped in a cloud, but the clouds aren't really lulling the stars, they are lulling YOU into a different state of mind that changes your perception, but describing this state as simply "being in the stars", or "spaced out", is of course cliche, but I'm confident that you can use your growing command of the English language to find a better way to fix the problem, and avoid the cliche.

In the final stanza, I wasn't sure if the strings were those of an instrument, or some invisible, new age, intangible, spiritual concept/imaginary element of connection, or both. I like the idea of them being the strings of an instrument, even as a metaphor for the spiritual concept, but to make it work there is no need to mention them being "invisible". Beats don't merge with hearts, you want to say that the hearts beat to the rhythm of the music, so why not just say it? You can find a unique way of doing it."the thrum of the drum matched the beat of my hearts rhythm" (just an example, you can do better). This is not the 17th century, we can say real things now, and be poetic at the same time. Liberating, isn't it?

Anyway, the point is that a healthy dose of reality wouldn't hurt it. I know that it is partly about intoxication, but you would never want to have to explain your poem away by saying, "oh, I was high when I wrote this".

You want to use two (or more, but simplicity can be an art in itself ) separate levels or " layers" in the poem: the first one real, or literal, then all the others UNDERNEATH it figurative. The more solid and interesting the first layer is, the smaller any issues with the figurative layers become.

I hope that was more helpful :-)
P.s. Please don't be too critical of my examples, I was only trying to explain it all, not rewrite the poem for you.

Wishing you luck and success on your poetic endeavor,

True

No need for apologies, true. I am really grateful that you came back and gave such thorough feedback, it has been a tremendous help. Thanks so much.
About the fireflies metaphor. You really helped me see the issues with the metaphor, and your examples were very helpful. I think I can play around with it, to make the metaphor more sensible. I'll give it my best shot, anyways I'm happy to have inspired you with the metaphor, that makes me happy. Especially since I know the poem is not that good, at this point.
Your explanation about lulling the stars makes a lot of sense. I will try to find a less abstract way to say it, doing all I can to avoid cliche.
And the thing you said, that the poem could use a healthy dose of reality, thanks for that. It sums up the problems, and I can see the problems much clearer now.
I'll also try to think about the layers. I've never thought of that while writing, but I really should. So I'll give it my best shot in the rewrite.
This has been very enlightening, so once again, thanks so much.

Best,
LB

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I'm the one that gets off topic. This is your thread.

I have school books because I wanted more to work with. And I found them in a used bookshop in Cambridge. I already had Kierkegaard's books in English, so I wanted to read them in the language he wrote in. And I had some of his journals in Danish that I couldn't find in translations at the time.

Oh well, I enjoyed the talk nevertheless. And I think I'll go have a look at some used books shops. Maybe if I'm lucky, I could find some schoolbooks on English, cause the ones I have from elementary school are too easy.

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i'm never keen on centre aligned poems so when i see one it's like an automatic first glance dislike. they also make feedback look like bird shit after that i fight to put my prejudiced to one side. i think the title works, if only for the fact that fireflies sometimes don't move. not sure you need to break a line out every time you come to a pause.

good effort. looking forward to your workshopping of it

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails the first line feels like it needs more, what's wrong with 'orange' trails? on the next line you could knock 'of glowing' down a line so your 2nd line becomes; of Fragrant glowing fireflies-...just a suggestion to expand the opening.
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz
resonating inside us.

Engulfed by a mouth would it be better as 'by mouths of..'
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars i like this line, though thew 1st line of the stanza feels out of place, i think engulfed negates the softness of lulling. down is more or less redundant as it's the only place we're likely to be.
for us to inhale.

Marionettes of the tunes;
Invisible strings
and fleeting aroma-
conjoins swaying bodies; not sure conjoined is needed as merging has a similar meaning in this instant
Beats and hearts merging. i think this stanza needs some work, along the lines of;
the tunes of Marionettes
Invisible strings
etc
etc



(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

Hi billy,
Thanks so much for your help, and your kind words.
I considered the center alignment for so long, until I finally decided to use it. But I can see how it can be disrupting. The rewrite will have normal alignment.
I like your idea of expanding the opening, I will work on that.
You're absolutely right. "Mouths of" is more correct, but I'll probably not use the word "mouth(s)" in the rewrite. Some of the other comments made me aware of the issue that clouds don't have mouths.
In the second stanza, I see your point of words negating each other, and redundant words. I'll probably keep the lulling of the stars, and try to get the stanza to make more sense, around the "lulling" sentence.
"Conjoins" and "Merging" shouldn't be used so close together, thanks for pointing that out.
Thanks once again, you have been very helpful, and I appreciate that.

Best,
-LB

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Hi Louise,
just my take.

I would rewrite (because I read it so) thusly:

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange:
Fragrant fireflies.
Their faint buzz
resonates inside us,

engulfed by a mouthful
of scented clouds
drifting upward,
lulling by the stars,
for us to inhale.

Marionettes to the beat:
Some fleeting aroma strings
our swaying bodies.
Music and hearts converge.
(with enjabment between S1 and 2)
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Title: no, because static electricity means the opposite of what's happening here. "Lull" is the only word that could refer back to the title but you use it in a maybe sweet smoke clouded way: It is not a motion verb. Indeed, it would need (billy hints at that) an object, in the sense of to soothe soeone, to calm someone down. "Lull" as a noun means pause, break, discontinuity. That could be used (and has been) in the context of Heroin use. It does not fit in well here, see your S3 (beat etc).

I concur with most of what my fellow critics already wrote. A line by line is not applicable because your three stanzas are too interwoven to allow for it.

To sum it up, I do like your poem because I tend to think I got you. ;-)

Welcome and cheers

serge

Hi Serge,
Thanks a lot for your feedback.
I like your take on my poem. It sure has inspired me, so thanks for that.
About the title. I completely follow you, because static is, well, static. I chose the title, because I thought that static electricity was also the phenomenon behind what sometimes happens, when you touch another person, and there comes a small spark at the point of touch. So I thought it matched the theme of people being brought close together. Maybe I was wrong :S
But anyways.. Thanks for your thoughtful comments and kind words, you have given me some good things to think about

Best,
-Louise