Static Electricity

[serge gurkski]

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz
resonating inside us,

engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars
for us to inhale.

Marionettes of the tunes;
Invisible strings
and fleeting aroma-
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging.


(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

Hi Louise,
just my take.

I would rewrite (because I read it so) thusly:

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange:
Fragrant fireflies.
Their faint buzz
resonates inside us,

engulfed by a mouthful
of scented clouds
drifting upward,
lulling by the stars,
for us to inhale.

Marionettes to the beat:
Some fleeting aroma strings
our swaying bodies.
Music and hearts converge.
(with enjabment between S1 and 2)
------------

Title: no, because static electricity means the opposite of what's happening here. "Lull" is the only word that could refer back to the title but you use it in a maybe sweet smoke clouded way: It is not a motion verb. Indeed, it would need (billy hints at that) an object, in the sense of to soothe soeone, to calm someone down. "Lull" as a noun means pause, break, discontinuity. That could be used (and has been) in the context of Heroin use. It does not fit in well here, see your S3 (beat etc).

I concur with most of what my fellow critics already wrote. A line by line is not applicable because your three stanzas are too interwoven to allow for it.

To sum it up, I do like your poem because I tend to think I got you. ;-)

Welcome and cheers

serge