Static Electricity

[Volaticus]

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz
resonating inside us. you have a whole stanza here with buggered up syntax. This subjectless technique tends to cause problems. You need to anchor your narrator to the ground or switch to reportage:
"Surrounded by trails of glowing orange, THE fragrant (really?) fireflies buzz faintly, THE sound resonates inside us."

Engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars
for us to inhale. ditto. Very nice but wishy-washy without a purpose. Give it purpose.

Marionettes of the tunes;
Invisible strings
and fleeting aroma-
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging. ditto and ditto. Nice words but ONLY nice. Nice is ikke a nice word. You could certainly change the phrasing to bring flow (rhythm) and meter into the piece..as it is, the whole thing is just an assembly of romantic thoughts


(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

Hi volaticus,
Just back from Aalborg Karnival so still pleasant. This is whistful. There is a light and ephemoral thread holding it (just) together. In the line by line I make only a few comments because the substance is so insubstantial that heavy suggestions would tear the fabric. Perhaps you should consider bolstering it with some more clearly defined thoughts. I really do not wish to disavow you of your right to write such fragile poetry but it us just too weak for me....but not for all.
Best,
tectak

Hi tectac,
I didn't even know there was a Karnival there. I hope you had lots of fun
Thanks for your comments, I appreciate it very much
I didn't know the syntax was messed up. Could you maybe clarify for me, so I can correct it?
Do you mean, that I should have a narrator from the beginning, ie starting the first stanza with "I'm" or "We're"?
About the fragrant fireflies. I've tried to explain it in my post to trueenigma. About the buzz and not the sound resonating inside. The fireflies' buzz, is a drug reference. So I thought it was okay, since it's not really fireflies' buzz I'm writing about.
What do you think could give the poem more purpose? My purpose, in short, was that the first stanza tells about intoxication. The second about being one with nature, and the third about being one with the music and other people.
Once again, much appreciated feedback, and I hope it's not annoying with my questions, I just want to make sure I understand.

Best,
-LB

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Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz - This part is awkward the word "their" interrupts the flow and sounds awkward.
resonating inside us. - I think you have a problem with your tense

Engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars -There seems to be a type of juxtaposition here they move up and it makes what is higher in the heavens seem closer as if the cosmos were more connected. I'm getting lofty in my interpretation
for us to inhale.

Marionettes of the tunes; I assume you are comparing the fire flies to marionettes. I'm not so sure it is very clear.
Invisible strings -- What holds the invisible strings that would be interesting
and fleeting aroma- - I don't know about aroma I have never smelled a firefly
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging.


(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

It looks like you have a lofty description of fireflies I have trouble discerning what you are attempting to communicate other than an aesthetically pleasing description. Your poem reminds me of an Emily Dickinson poem called The Lightening is a Yellow Fork. Perhaps you could learn something from that poem.

Hi Brownlie,
Thank you very much for commenting
I agree, the word "their" is interrupting. What do you mean by tense? As in present and past tense etc?
I can see that I have a narrative problem. No, it's not the fireflies I'm comparing to marionettes. It's the people. And the invisible strings (as in marionette doll strings), are the comparison that music can "control" people, just like marionette strings.
The poem is not about actual fireflies. If you read my other comments, maybe that will clarify a little.
I have not read the poem you're mentioning, but I'll sure give it a look.
Thanks again, I have some things to think about.
Best,
-LB

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I could tell you what would leave an impression. But then I'd end up writing the poem myself. And I'm more interested in what you have to offer. As it is, there are only abstract images here. That's not always bad. But you said you were going to add more stanzas last time; you should do that.

And a semicolon doesn't end the sentence, so the next word doesn't need to be capitalized. Though I know of poets that do capitalize like that, to emphasize the start of a new line. In a normal sentence you wouldn't usually do that.

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By the way, I have some Danish books and a Danish dictionary in my room. If you keep being nice, I might be encouraged to learn. Then I can read your other poems too. But don't expect too much from me.

Thanks for the explanation about the capitalizing. That will be corrected in the edit.
I have so much to think about, I hope my head can settle enough at some point, so I can actually make the rewrite.
Now you've got me curious.. What Danish books, if I may ask?
It would be nice to have a fellow poet's point of view on my native writings. I've never had that. But don't worry, I won't expect that of you. But I'll still keep being nice.