Rats (Move it to Miscellaneous)

[milo]

( I would like to note in advance that the author requested this, please do not scold me at this time)

I would probably /start/ the revision process like this:


Rats

We shook their dried up shit pebbles
from a fake Christmas tree each year.
When one got in my room I became
obsessed with them. At first I saw his outline -
a phantom gliding across the floor.

He hopped onto my desk, scavenging
the crumbs that fell from my mouth,
lured by the smell of fast food wrappers.

I caught him
in a printer when he crawled into the plastic cave.
Fighting fear, I sprang from my bed and sealed
him in. I heard the frantic scratching
of his gripless claws as I carried -- I like your edition here 'gripless claws' is great.
him imprisoned out and left him on the lawn. -- I also like the word imprisoned

When I heard
that they could find their ways
back home, every tick became
a claw-scritch, every whisper
was the soundless brush of whiskers’ --This is cool the rhyme works in multiple ways
gentle wisp along the walls. I followed
the dusty carpet’s frayed edge
looking for the grey grease trails that mice might leave.

When I went
to get my oil changed, they found shit
and ripped up fabric used as nesting jammed
up in my air filter. Every breath I took was poisoned.

There came a point when every crick or creak
and every settling squeak was evidence -- creak and squeak adds pleasurable sound
of rodent swarms behind the walls.
I imagined whole cities of them. Nests and nests
and each nest containing just one male amidst a brood
of females. If I spied loose wires I would see their hairless
tails. I smeared fresh traps thick
with peanut butter and wore gloves
to hide my scent. My fingers trembled
as I set each one.

The first one took an hour.
I palmed it carefully and placed it
against my bedroom wall.
We only caught mice in the attic,
dead and stiff.

Once, I saw one die. Watching T. V.
with my father I was distracted by a rustling
from the attic. I saw a mouse there,
writhing, pregnant, fighting her broken spine.
New life brewed like a grotesque
goiter in her belly. Panic gripped me
as my father cracked the creature’s skull
with a flashlight. We didn’t talk
about this mouse. I knew
the tears would spill. -- Removing the abstraction was a good move but the epiphany I was going for dealt with my fear of Rats and my efforts to destroy them. When I faced one dying I couldn't bear to see its suffering. Its sort of like how people eat lobsters but they never see them boiling alive. I was innocent because I had never seen many scenes of pain and the dying mouse caught me by a surprisingly crippling emotion. I was guilty because I contributed to the suffering of the mouse, but that doesn't mean you have to use my epiphany.

Well, it is your poem so keep what you want and throw away the rest. I am of the opinion that a writer should report what 'happened' and let the reader figure out the epiphany. I think the narrator crying at the death of the pregnant mouse makes the guilt/innocence obvious, but then again, I read the original.

All in all I think you did a great job. Some of the lines and words you added were some of the best. Thanks for working with it. My opinion is biased but I think you're a skilled poet. Thanks again, I thoroughly enjoyed your modifications.

I am glad you liked the edit. I would think you would use it and start the revision process or at least use the thoughts in the revision process.