05-31-2013, 06:16 AM
Static Electricity
Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz
resonating inside us.
Engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars
for us to inhale.
Marionettes of the tunes;
Invisible strings
and fleeting aroma-
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging.
(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line
), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)
Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz
resonating inside us.
Engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars
for us to inhale.
Marionettes of the tunes;
Invisible strings
and fleeting aroma-
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging.
(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line
), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)