Rats (Move it to Miscellaneous)

[Brownlie]

( I would like to note in advance that the author requested this, please do not scold me at this time)

I would probably /start/ the revision process like this:


Rats

We shook their dried up shit pebbles
from a fake Christmas tree each year.
When one got in my room I became
obsessed with them. At first I saw his outline -
a phantom gliding across the floor.

He hopped onto my desk, scavenging
the crumbs that fell from my mouth,
lured by the smell of fast food wrappers.

I caught him
in a printer when he crawled into the plastic cave.
Fighting fear, I sprang from my bed and sealed
him in. I heard the frantic scratching
of his gripless claws as I carried -- I like your edition here 'gripless claws' is great.
him imprisoned out and left him on the lawn. -- I also like the word imprisoned

When I heard
that they could find their ways
back home, every tick became
a claw-scritch, every whisper
was the soundless brush of whiskers’ --This is cool the rhyme works in multiple ways
gentle wisp along the walls. I followed
the dusty carpet’s frayed edge
looking for the grey grease trails that mice might leave.

When I went
to get my oil changed, they found shit
and ripped up fabric used as nesting jammed
up in my air filter. Every breath I took was poisoned.

There came a point when every crick or creak
and every settling squeak was evidence -- creak and squeak adds pleasurable sound
of rodent swarms behind the walls.
I imagined whole cities of them. Nests and nests
and each nest containing just one male amidst a brood
of females. If I spied loose wires I would see their hairless
tails. I smeared fresh traps thick
with peanut butter and wore gloves
to hide my scent. My fingers trembled
as I set each one.

The first one took an hour.
I palmed it carefully and placed it
against my bedroom wall.
We only caught mice in the attic,
dead and stiff.

Once, I saw one die. Watching T. V.
with my father I was distracted by a rustling
from the attic. I saw a mouse there,
writhing, pregnant, fighting her broken spine.
New life brewed like a grotesque
goiter in her belly. Panic gripped me
as my father cracked the creature’s skull
with a flashlight. We didn’t talk
about this mouse. I knew
the tears would spill. -- Removing the abstraction was a good move but the epiphany I was going for dealt with my fear of Rats and my efforts to destroy them. When I faced one dying I couldn't bear to see its suffering. Its sort of like how people eat lobsters but they never see them boiling alive. I was innocent because I had never seen many scenes of pain and the dying mouse caught me by a surprisingly crippling emotion. I was guilty because I contributed to the suffering of the mouse, but that doesn't mean you have to use my epiphany.


All in all I think you did a great job. Some of the lines and words you added were some of the best. Thanks for working with it. My opinion is biased but I think you're a skilled poet. Thanks again, I thoroughly enjoyed your modifications.