05-29-2013, 04:06 PM
Hi Pippa,
Firstly I must say that this is a very good first edit, you took the advice given and went and improved your poem immensely, and I notice that you don't even consider it to be the final version, which is an excellent attitude to have.
One small thing before I go on, when posting an edited version of a poem it is best to post the revised version first at the top of the page followed by the original
As regards your poem, the only thing I will mention is the line
"For many years I died like a sufferer longing for the end" which seems perhaps a bit ambiguous, and even though I appreciate that it is a metaphorical death, if you had died you couldn't be longing for the end. If that makes any sense, I think I've confused myself there a bit.
The rest of the images you have used work well and have given a lot more depth than what the original poem had.
Good stuff, thanks for the read.
AR
Firstly I must say that this is a very good first edit, you took the advice given and went and improved your poem immensely, and I notice that you don't even consider it to be the final version, which is an excellent attitude to have.
One small thing before I go on, when posting an edited version of a poem it is best to post the revised version first at the top of the page followed by the original
As regards your poem, the only thing I will mention is the line
"For many years I died like a sufferer longing for the end" which seems perhaps a bit ambiguous, and even though I appreciate that it is a metaphorical death, if you had died you couldn't be longing for the end. If that makes any sense, I think I've confused myself there a bit.
The rest of the images you have used work well and have given a lot more depth than what the original poem had.
Good stuff, thanks for the read.
AR
wae aye man ye radgie