One of Those Days

[cidermaid]

Hi tadaki,
I'm not familiar enough with your style of writing to know how this differs from what you normally write (if that is what you meant by your opening comment.. or I'm thinking perhaps it was a quip in referance to a previous poem recieving some hard knock comments. Either way...), well done for having (another) go and I offer my encouragment to keep on writing. There are some good things going on in here well worth the effort to workshop and develop. I' give you my thoughts on your first draft.

I'm back and trying again with something new haha

I'll have a day where I'm all alone
Writing to some indie tune.
A day of cliches and artsy escapades
Where the irony of life shines through. This stanza really works well for me in terms of introducing the emotional state of the voice, which comes across as lazy day, reflective with a dusting of twinkle in the eye. I particularly liked the last line as I felt it poked fun at the concept of staying away from cliches. (this then led me to think that the rest of the poem might be a humerous twist on cliches)

Of cookies and cream Oh no sounds cliche but where is the twist or the humour gone? Is too staid and a bit boring. Try twisting it around to offer more image for the mind to wander along. Something along the lines of the naughty but nice what you can do with cream! : Ben's cream drizzled cookies
And brown cakes on white plates; Brown puts images of tedious and dull and flat into my head. Brown cakes do not sound particularly yummy or inviting to me. I want rainbow fairy cakes on my white plate or continue with the naughty but nice lines and give me: Cherry buns on big plates.
Of chocolate and strawberry all funnily shaped, You get the drift of my thoughts - play with your food a bit more! Although I like the funnily shaped it would be a shame to loose this...
To pierce with a fork and spoon. ...I think this is a good clean () end for the stanza and it can work a lot harder for you if the preceeding lines take a firm direction. Not necessarily the way i have gone in my thoughts - this is your poem. i think there is a lot of image potential in, pierce with fork and spoon

Yea I'm gonna head down to some cafes
And try a glass of chai tea latte
And have myself one of those sunny little days
Where I just don't care about shit. I like the ending and closure that this stanza gives to your poem But I really don't like the last line. The sentiment is ok but the tone feels wrong for the overall text and voice of the poem which has been almost genteel upto this point. (in my book refined smutty is defined as naughty but nice!) The last line sounds out of character. The rhyme of L1 & 2 sounds a bit forced as it is - this might be my mind slip with the chai tea latte which is a great (as in good) mental trip up. Finallt L1 & 3 are a bit wordy..but i think you knew this already from your end comments

Too wordy? Too much tell and too little show? Tell me what u guys think haha )

Overall I liked your poem. I think the first and last stanza work pretty well as they stand but I would like to see the middle stanza giving me something quite substantial in terms of images or mind play to make this poems stand out more.

Thanks for the read. look forward to reading any revisions you might make.
All the best AJ.

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Hi tadaki...sorry about the level of crit. Just noticed this is in the novice rather than the mild i thought it was in.
appoligies AJ.