Feeling You

[tectak]

Feeling You

I am feeling you,
And your heat of desire,
I want to grow that flame,
I do not want it to expire,

I am feeling you,
And your warmth of heart,
I knew you were the one,
I knew it from the start,
I know your passion,
I know your pain,
I feel your sincerity,
I feel your rain,
It be such a lovely shower,
So intense and full of power,

I am feeling you,
At this very hour,
I feel the heat of flesh,
I feel the touch of skin,
I feel the radiance of light,
That emits from your grin,
Even though we are separated,
Please don’t give up on me,
It is about the love we share,
That will one day set us free,
To frolic in the fields,
To roll around in the hay,
To smell the roses of life,
As we snuggle and play,
Oh what a glorious day,
Henceforth that will arrive,
When you and I merge,
As we quiver and thrive,
I am feeling you,
My sweet eternal boo

---

Feeling You

I am feeling you,
And your heat of desire, cliche. Very old cliche. Say it in a new way
I want to grow that flame, cliche
I do not want it to expire,

I am feeling you,
And your warmth of heart,cliche
I knew you were the one,cliche
I knew it from the start, not a cliche but by "listing" in the next 5 lines is should be as lists are cliched
I know your passion,
I know your pain,
I feel your sincerity,
I feel your rain,
It be such a lovely shower,
So intense and full of power, clonking forced ryhme when you did not feel it necessary before. Why now? Why bother?

I am feeling you,
At this very hour, Says nothing
I feel the heat of flesh, cliche
I feel the touch of skin,cliche
I feel the radiance of light, imageless. Light is radiated energy. You feel heat not light. Different part of the spectrum....even poetically
That emits from your grin, forced rhyme and pointlessly made
Even though we are separated,
Please don’t give up on me,
It is about the love we share, cliched in words and conceptually
That will one day set us free, cliched sentiment. Why are you capitalising lines? It is dated
To frolic in the fields, you guessed it. Cliche
To roll around in the hay,cliche
To smell the roses of life, not acliche. Allelujah...some may disagree
As we snuggle and play,
Oh what a glorious day, cliche and forced,feeble rhyme
Henceforth that will arrive, hopelessly clumsy use of language. Not worthy
When you and I merge,
As we quiver and thrive, almost impudent forced rhyme. Dreadful
I am feeling you,
My sweet eternal boo I give up. I thought it was always Sue who was sweet. Great originality,though, and cleverly avoided a cliche and a forced rhyme As you say in your intro post, the words just pour out of you...and you're so good it hurts

Hi modern,
Nothing wrong here. A bit cliched here and there. Lacking in flow a little. Rhyming a tad forced in places. Could do with some imagery and fresh thinking. Capitalising of every line is confusing and old hat. Tends to be list-like and statemental so it is mundane. The theme is well worn and it says nothing new. Apart from that...have you submitted any crit of your own yet? You will find it liberating.( Ah, I see you gave mark a one liner. Well done)
Seriously though, and this IS serious crit, it is lacking.
Best,
tectak