05-21-2013, 07:14 PM
I especially enjoyed the twist in this poem. While it has good potential for a sing-song kind of poem, I agree that some shortening of lines would add to the enjoyment of the read. To me, it read more like a great first draft in need of tweaking.
In L 1 "Everyday", I think you meant to write as "Every day"? That line would naturally end if it stopped at "orchard" and the second part of it became L 3.in general if you kept the syllables of each line between 5 and 10 on average, your poem's readability would improve. While I appreciate and enjoyed this concept and your creativity, I was not so crazy about the over-personification of the apple. Giving the apple thoughts and feelings (and especially suicidal tendencies) was a little top abstract for me. I enjoyed the read though, thanks for sharing and keep writing.
In L 1 "Everyday", I think you meant to write as "Every day"? That line would naturally end if it stopped at "orchard" and the second part of it became L 3.in general if you kept the syllables of each line between 5 and 10 on average, your poem's readability would improve. While I appreciate and enjoyed this concept and your creativity, I was not so crazy about the over-personification of the apple. Giving the apple thoughts and feelings (and especially suicidal tendencies) was a little top abstract for me. I enjoyed the read though, thanks for sharing and keep writing.