05-17-2013, 10:04 PM
It looks good. I'm not sure if anything should be changed. Unless some different words, but not really.
There's nothing wrong with this, but I thought about 'to' being 'in', and 'as' being 'of'. Though "broken bits as art" stands out in a way that 'of' doesn't. And 'to' too.
Smooth pieces of porcelain
molded in her reflection.
No connection, no peace,
only broken bits of art.
And maybe 'leaves her wiled expression'.
And 'a joy he once believed was true'.
Or 'a joy he once believed in'.
Maybe I'll read better later. Or maybe I've read right already. I'll read it again. I had those ideas of different words. But yours aren't bad.
There's nothing wrong with this, but I thought about 'to' being 'in', and 'as' being 'of'. Though "broken bits as art" stands out in a way that 'of' doesn't. And 'to' too.
Smooth pieces of porcelain
molded in her reflection.
No connection, no peace,
only broken bits of art.
And maybe 'leaves her wiled expression'.
And 'a joy he once believed was true'.
Or 'a joy he once believed in'.
Maybe I'll read better later. Or maybe I've read right already. I'll read it again. I had those ideas of different words. But yours aren't bad.