05-15-2013, 03:08 PM
Hi AR,
I think that these are three very nicly connected poems and that they scan really well as a single unit. I don't know if that was your intention or not. it seems to be a bit of a thing you have going at the moment (to have three connected Haiku / senryu) and maybe this is something you could continue to delvelop and as it is a good thing you are building on.
Individually I think each one works well enough on it's own but I really do think they should be kept together as a unit.
Of the three I think that the final unit is the weakest in that it is not in the same mould as the other two, which both have a spring element and a man made / natural contrast going on. (I take bees as a sign of late spring). Having said that I love that you have managed to make the last line / first line of each relate to each other and this has been maintained from the 2nd to the 3rd. Perhaps a small rework on either the 2nd or 3rd lines in the final stanza would tighten this up.
Well done on these and all of your other recent Haiku poems, you have a lovely style developing that i appreciate.
Thanks for sharing. AJ.
I think that these are three very nicly connected poems and that they scan really well as a single unit. I don't know if that was your intention or not. it seems to be a bit of a thing you have going at the moment (to have three connected Haiku / senryu) and maybe this is something you could continue to delvelop and as it is a good thing you are building on.
Individually I think each one works well enough on it's own but I really do think they should be kept together as a unit.
Of the three I think that the final unit is the weakest in that it is not in the same mould as the other two, which both have a spring element and a man made / natural contrast going on. (I take bees as a sign of late spring). Having said that I love that you have managed to make the last line / first line of each relate to each other and this has been maintained from the 2nd to the 3rd. Perhaps a small rework on either the 2nd or 3rd lines in the final stanza would tighten this up.
Well done on these and all of your other recent Haiku poems, you have a lovely style developing that i appreciate.
Thanks for sharing. AJ.