Forgive Me

[billy]

hi zerric, good seeing members giving feedback

it feels that you're using a lot of cliche. some of the end rhymes need working on stand/man, devil/tremble, there are a few more. try and use a constant meter. at present you're telling the story. show us the story create images, use a simile, metaphor, or other poetic device. if you're not sure how too, ask us for examples we will help if we can.

A throbbing pain bathes me in despair,
Blood on my hands, blank eyes that stare,

A crushing darkness, screams from hell,
Is time going on? I cannot tell,

Running from pain, a reflex action,
My heart bleeds, from this attraction,

Am I being chased? What was that sound?just use commas and the one question mark at the end of the found.
Was that my heartbeat or have I been found?

Footsteps approach.....What should I do? no need for the dots, if you do use them i think they come in three's
The guilt of existance breaks me in two.

He comes closer. I can barely stand.
I killed her, I can kill this man....

Hands crush his throat, the strength of the Devil,
His body spasms, then ceases to tremble.

What have I done? My skull splits open.
This black heart exists since the other is broken.

I look up. What's this? A church in sight.
A welcoming beacon, a guiding light.

I walk to the gate, good, its not locked.
The doors crash open, the priest stands shocked.

The blood on my hands, that stains my clothes.
What should I do? Only He knows.

The priest stands aside, hands clasped in prayer.
Ha! The Fool! He prays for the Savior,

But My body moves of its own accord,
I fall to my knees, fall to the Lord.

The fire is gone, The fury dimmed.
Forgive Me, Lord............ two Lords in three lines is one too many, why not God forgive me or something like it as the end line.

I Have Sinned.