05-12-2013, 08:14 AM
(05-12-2013, 12:49 AM)albino-rino-5000 Wrote: He wakes up and stares at the ceilingI like the rhythm in your poem, and I think that you have chosen a nice theme. It's lacking depth though. It seemed rather flat to me. I think the thing I miss the most in this poem, is some imagery. You have an image in the first line, but I think that's it.
He doesn't care anymore
His life is simple and grueling
Go to school, go to work
Deal with friends, deal with life
There is no reason today
No reason to live
No reason to care
Why should he get out of bed?
Because today is the day
Today is the day he will do nothing
Today is the day he doesn't care
Today he will go about his life once again
For no reason
The same routine day after day
Until death decides to save him
Why is his life 'simple and grueling'? I don't know much about the narrator. Some more in depth, imagery descriptions of who he is and what has lead him to feel so lost, could perhaps help the poem pull in the reader more. And of course, this is jmho. I hope this was of any help.
LB

