05-12-2013, 04:30 AM
(05-12-2013, 12:49 AM)albino-rino-5000 Wrote: He wakes up and stares at the ceilingYour poem has a nice rhythm and flow to it. My only problem with it is that it does not really lend a lot to hold one's interest. I got excited here:
He doesn't care anymore
His life is simple and grueling
Go to school, go to work
Deal with friends, deal with life
There is no reason today
No reason to live
No reason to care
Why should he get out of bed?
Because today is the day
Today is the day he will do nothing
Today is the day he doesn't care
Today he will go about his life once again
For no reason
The same routine day after day
Until death decides to save him
"Because today is the day"
thinking ahhh! something is going to happen, something new, but turns out it is a repeat of what came before. I think your structure is good (minus the punct) but imo, the material needs some life.
Heart

