okay guys, this is the novice forum. no line by lines or comments in the body of the poem,
brownlie; you need to give more feedback please, it isn't fair to expect it with giving some back in return, one piece of feedback per poem if you can, thanks.
info about the petrarchan sonnet can be found here
have a look at the link above, better to be able to know how to do one, before you try to experiment with one. the end rhymes need some work, specially the repeating ones, (gods and light) you could remove a line and sort the meter out pretty easily. you have a solid meter in place that is off in just a couple of places. watch out for words that repeat throughout the poem. i thought the 1st line was great, ( never said why so i came back) it sets up the whole poem, it does what a 1st line should do. it's a door that works. after reading it i was hooked to read the rest of the poem i think the 2nd line need just a little work, a suggestion would be; Before the crack; a fork that rends, a mime one the next line chimes could be chime.
a great effort
brownlie; you need to give more feedback please, it isn't fair to expect it with giving some back in return, one piece of feedback per poem if you can, thanks.
info about the petrarchan sonnet can be found here
have a look at the link above, better to be able to know how to do one, before you try to experiment with one. the end rhymes need some work, specially the repeating ones, (gods and light) you could remove a line and sort the meter out pretty easily. you have a solid meter in place that is off in just a couple of places. watch out for words that repeat throughout the poem. i thought the 1st line was great, ( never said why so i came back) it sets up the whole poem, it does what a 1st line should do. it's a door that works. after reading it i was hooked to read the rest of the poem i think the 2nd line need just a little work, a suggestion would be; Before the crack; a fork that rends, a mime one the next line chimes could be chime.
a great effort
(05-11-2013, 03:06 PM)Brownlie Wrote: A sight before a sound can sound, a flash
Before a crack, a forking rend in time
A Fertile light before a thunder chimes.
Inside we plot before we motion hands
As God was flashing lightning, thunder sat
A latent roar to resonate a light
A following sound to fade alluring light
A flash, an Impetus before a crash.
In bodies there resides a guiding will
A cause to move an empty weighted husk
A will to gaze for lightning during dusk
To make our lightning rods as gods
Our dreams can flash as cups in need of fill
To Masquerade amidst the light of gods