05-11-2013, 10:28 AM
I like the new first stanza better: the picture gets clearer. I can see what rowen means (including, that it's appropriate.)
But it is not really Marschmusik. ;-)
"manicures" that you put in brackets - and, may I say, wisely so (without getting slapped) - is cute bc of the double entrendre but - and this I find funny - sabotages exactly what you tried to achieve above that line. ,-)
S2: I need more time to look into it.
In general I would let sit the different versions a bit (of time) next to each other. My experience is that some details only become visible after a break. I don't mean years- ,-) but maybe 1, 2 or 3 days. (I myself of course almost never apply that wise advice.)
cheers
serge
But it is not really Marschmusik. ;-)
"manicures" that you put in brackets - and, may I say, wisely so (without getting slapped) - is cute bc of the double entrendre but - and this I find funny - sabotages exactly what you tried to achieve above that line. ,-)
S2: I need more time to look into it.
In general I would let sit the different versions a bit (of time) next to each other. My experience is that some details only become visible after a break. I don't mean years- ,-) but maybe 1, 2 or 3 days. (I myself of course almost never apply that wise advice.)
cheers
serge