05-11-2013, 07:33 AM
I crawled from darkness
Into the light
For you were a bliss
You pulled me out
I then, crawled back
Into that pit of lust
Alas!
You came to me once more
And at the end
When I smiled upon you
Full of cheer and joy
You turned your back on me
I then, went to see my pit of shame
Once more
Why do you put commas after "I then"?
You've been away a while, but I hate to admit, you haven't come back with much. If you want a pause after "then", maybe a dash or a line break. The poem seems too obvious. You know?
Into the light
For you were a bliss
You pulled me out
I then, crawled back
Into that pit of lust
Alas!
You came to me once more
And at the end
When I smiled upon you
Full of cheer and joy
You turned your back on me
I then, went to see my pit of shame
Once more
Why do you put commas after "I then"?
You've been away a while, but I hate to admit, you haven't come back with much. If you want a pause after "then", maybe a dash or a line break. The poem seems too obvious. You know?