city park

[Todd]

this was a "sit outside and write about what you hear" exercise. personally I like it but that's because I have context, but I'd like to know if others think it's worth developing into something less rough. thanks =]



Ants dance with dead leaves
march over mountains
of scented cut grass
chopped down by the manic whir
the waving sound of whacking line
weeds are no match
to the man in uniform goggles
seeking manicured beauty.

Ants dance over dirt
over gravel-filled holes
over cigarette butts, beige
from sun, from rain and age
flicked away by those
whose vice is complete
whose thoughts wander far
from this concrete step.

Hi Cloudy, yeah I think you can develop this. It feels like connecting the observations of ants (which I really like) to the people whose thoughts wander away may be the path for this one. Another option would be to link the thought process to the pattern of the ants. I like the progressive feel of the first line of each strophe.

So, I think this would be good to flesh out more.

Best,

Todd