05-09-2013, 05:39 AM
I like the story here but I think your rhyming is holding you back. You might should either rhyme all the way or not at all. This could still be a beautiful poem without rhymes, IMHO.
Also, the last line seems to be saying that one who doesn't love them-self is unloveable. In which case I personally disagree with. I think most people who don't love themselves are loved by others. That might not have been what you meant though. Perhaps you could say: To love someone who doesn't love themselves is torture.
Overall I think it is a good start, I like it.
Also, the last line seems to be saying that one who doesn't love them-self is unloveable. In which case I personally disagree with. I think most people who don't love themselves are loved by others. That might not have been what you meant though. Perhaps you could say: To love someone who doesn't love themselves is torture.
Overall I think it is a good start, I like it.